Unusual Artefacts
by MikaHaeli8
Summary: These artefacts won't save the world, neither will they grant you powers. And trust Daxter to defile their significance. Really random oneshot humour, rated for very mild language.


**A/N: My attempt at humour. Random as hell. Enjoy! :D ~ Mika**

"Jak!"

Torn let the yell ring out and silence follow it before his own ears didn't receive an answer. Sighing, he took a deep breath and yelled again –

"JAAAK! _OW!_"

The "OW!" was due to a heavy shoe clobbering him on the head from behind him.

"Torn, if you're gonna yell at Jak, can you at least do it somewhere else?"

He scowled and rubbed his head. "Yes..._dear_," he said, stomping outside the room and slamming the door.

"Love of the Precursors, Torn, what do you want?" Jak grumbled, tossing the nail file he'd been using over his shoulder, narrowly missing Daxter.

Torn could only stare. "You file your nails?"

"Uh...no...NO...it was...it was Daxter's fault!" Jak was utterly bright red. "Anyway, Torn, your point is...?"

"We – I – need you to get a coupl'a things."

"Thongs?" Daxter perked up.

"THINGS!"

"Your girlfriend's got a couple of things. Big things too – OW!"

Torn scowled at the ottsel. "Good news is I've got co-ordinates for these things."

"What are these things?"

"Now _that_ I can't tell you."

Jak stomped his foot. "Aww, TORN! Whyyyy?"

"Cause I'm a big meanie." Torn screwed his eyes shut and blew a raspberry at the duo. "Just get them and I'll make it worth your while."

"Pinky swear?"

"Pinky swear."

The two men locked little fingers briefly.

"Now, Tattooed Wonder, how about them co-ordinates?" Daxter demanded.

~x~

The dynamic duo were almost at the co-ordinates Torn had given them when suddenly, a very loud hissing noise reached their ears. They stopped the car once they reached the first set of co-ordinates and Jak hopped out, peering at the tyres.

"No obvious puncture..." He unscrewed one of the tyres, feeling movement within them. His eyes widened, and so did Daxter's.

"Holy Precursors, Dax...there's something in our tyres."

"WHAT?" Daxter shrieked. The activity within the tyres grew more and more frenetic until suddenly, with a loud BANG –

"AAHH GERREMOFFME GERREMOFF MEEEE!" Jak screamed as the wriggly, slimy things launched for his face.

"Jak. JAK!" Daxter rolled his eyes. "HEY!" He picked up one of the things on Jak's face and it went limp in his paw. "Look."

Jak tore the snakes off his face and looked at the one in Daxter's paw. "Oh. They're – "

"Fake rubber snakes, tough guy!" Daxter rolled his eyes, throwing them to the floor. "_Fake_ ones."

Jak scratched his head. "Fifth time this week! I'm tired of those damn snakes in those damn tyres."

"I blame Torn."

"Or Keira. I did smash up the car for the eighth time last week." Jak sighed, hauling himself back to his feet. Daxter hopped onto his shoulder as they ventured into the cave they'd parked outside. In the light, they saw a shape at the back of the cave and ran towards it, skidding to a halt and reverently picking it up.

"Wow," Jak gasped, turning it around. "What is it?"

"Oh! Oh! Put it in the light so we can see!" Daxter yelped, jumping up and down on Jak's shoulder with excitement.

"Put _it_ in the light?" Jak smirked.

Daxter scowled. "The thing you have in your h- The whatsit Torn sent us to get! _Jaaaaak_."

"Just messing with you, bud." Jak walked into the light of the sun outside, revealing the thing he had in his hands to be –

"A hat?"

The man and ottsel stood there like lemons (if lemons _could_ stand), gawping at the hat they had.

"A hat," Jak repeated flatly. "You have _got_ to be kidding me."

"It's not JUST a hat!" Samos suddenly scolded them, appearing out of no-where and making the two age about twenty years apiece. "It's the Hat of Mar."

"The Hat of Mar? Okay, have we been spending too long in the desert?"

"DAXter!" Samos scolded. "This Hat is very special. Very important."

"Why? Does it give whoever wears it magical powers?" Jak asked, earning a whack with a sandal for his troubles.

"No, dumbass!" Samos grumped once again, sliding his sandal back on his foot. "It's to stop your ears getting sunburned. _Duhhh_. But it won't work without the other artefact."

"The _other_ artefact?" Daxter yelped. "What other artefact?"

"Look deeper into the cave and you'll see. Go on, boys." Samos shoved the duo back into the cave. Reluctantly, they returned to where they found the Hat of Mar – a giant sombrero, in case you were interested...which you probably weren't – and looked further into the shadows. Sure enough, there was something else there; something bigger, heavier looking...

"Ooh, that smells nice." Daxter's mouth watered as Jak reached down and grabbed both ends, holding it at arm's length as they returned to the sun.

"What is this, the Ham of Mar?" Jak said disbelievingly.

Samos nodded. "Yup. The great Ham of Mar. Doesn't work without the Hat, and vice-versa. DAXTER! DON'T TOUCH IT!"

The ottsel widened his eyes innocently to match the guilty bulge of his cheeks. "Wuh?" he mumbled through a mouthful of meat (and not what you think, either). Samos slapped a hand to his head and walked off, suddenly disappearing before their eyes. The only sounds were Daxter munching the Ham and the desert wind. Jak shook his head, rubbing his eyes.

"Now the Hat's not gonna work."

"But the Ham'f tafety!" Daxter mumbled, chewing as he went.

Jak went back to the car, now a three wheel. Keira was going to be so hacked off. _Again_. They got in and strapped themselves in, driving back to Haven with the Hat and the joint of Ham, which Daxter was cheerfully munching on.

"Y'know, Jak..." the ottsel suddenly said in between mouthfuls of ham. "Wouldn't it suck huge balls if someone else took control of our lives and contradicted all the stuff we've done up to this point?"

"How bad?"

"Like...no Tattooed Wonder, no Haven, no Wasteland...no nothin' like that. Just some crap about the Brink and a world shortage of Eco..."

"No Tess or Keira? And what's the Brink."

"I dunno!" Daxter shrugged. "Nah, Keira's still there, although she looks a little different. We all, kinda do. But seriously...how bad would that be?"

Jak laughed. "Nah, Dax. It's not gonna happen. And even if it did, I personally would block it from my mind. Along with many other people, I'm sure."

"Ah." Daxter finished the joint, threw the bone out of the car. "Now _that_'s a relief."

"Why – " Jak's eyes widened as he suddenly realised what Daxter was getting at. "Has it _already_ happened?"

Daxter chose that moment to shut up then, sliding his eyes from side to side as his best friend's scowled at him.

"Daxter..."

The ottsel gulped. He had a _lot _of explaining to do.

Just then, Torn chose that moment to streak across the desert and leap into the car, grinning and panting.

"Torn..." Jak said slowly.

"Yes?"

"Why...are you...naked?"

**THE END**

**Inspired by a couple of jokes Marneus made. Created by Mika. It was excessively random. *puts hands behind back and drags toe of shoe along ground nervously***


End file.
